Destroy your city, build a racetrack
Time to revive this old girl I call my blog.
Today [well actually Friday to be precise], I was on my way to school to pick up my brother and low and behold there was traffic. Despite going in the general opposite direction of most of Jamaica at that time the rain gods said let there be traffic and so said so done. I never understood as to why rain always made traffic that much more intense. Is the reduced visibility causing drivers to slow down for safety reasons? Are they slowing down because they don't want to slide and crash? Or is it that the drivers do not wish to encounter any newly developed potholes? To me it seems to be none of the above because it really wasn't raining today, in fact it was at the point where F1 drivers would consider switching from inters to drys. So I came to the conclusion that it had to be one of thing, no one knows how to drive. I really can't stand these bastards driving at 10km/h just to tiptoe across the water as if slowing down is going to make you seem responsible. NO YOU ARE AN ANNOYANCE PULL OVER NOW SO I CAN GO AROUND YOU AND DRIVE AT A LESS ANNOYING 40KM/H. I think anyone who drives below a certain speed should either be ticketed, nuked or sold into slavery depending on the government in power.
So anyways the trauma of being stuck behind a 10km/h RunX gave me the wonderful idea of just throwing away all road systems and starting a new. But first, just so I don't sound like a douche, we really need to upgrade the public transportation system. The better the public transport [whether trains, buses or boats I don't care just do it] the less cars on the road. What is more economic than a hybrid? Public transportation that's what. So all ya'll hippies with ya'll Priussies, go to the back of the bus. A world with less hybrids means that the government can stop wasting money on subsidizing them and pedestrians are less likely to get hit by ghost machines that just 'snuck up on me.' So we got greenpeace off our roads who next? The Douchebags. The thing is, not much needs to be done to get rid of them. After awhile they will realize that all the hot girls are being eco friendly (all eco mentalist women are hot btw) and not taking public transport looks as douchey as wearing a shirt that makes reference to ones penis size. Of course if there are douchebags that are too douchey to be phased by this, evolution will take of you guys as your suv's roll down a hill while you pray to your based gods.
With this new found emptiness, imagine the road being littered with the sounds of blow-off valves, waste gates and a high pitched wailing ferrari reverberating off the city walls instead of horns (real race cars don't use horns) and shouting. At last, people who love to drive own the roads. Traffic lights would be changed to stage trees and just watch as traffic launches off the line as soon as the light goes green. Anyone caught with slow reaction times must get a ticket. And as for all seeing eyes maintaining these rules, hire track marshalls to maintain the streets [they're all volunteers looking for a real job anyways] and stewards to decide insurance issues [because drive thru penalties are cheaper than insurance premiums, but just as effective in terms of lessons learnt] Roads would be cleared in a matter of minutes after accidents and justice would follow almost immediately after. Putting a pace car in front should ensure traffic moves smoothly instead of grinding to a halt around accident sites. So what about pedestrians? Let them all be rally fans. Imagine scores of drunk British people cheering you on as you commute to work, with that kind of joy suicide rates would drop. Rally fans are also the most helpful fans, they will always notify you when an accident is up ahead and will help you roll back over your car when you do crash. Speaking of crashes, I'm sure making everyone a racing driver wouldn't be safe? Fuck that, give everyone a fucking rollcage, a 6 point harness and a fire extinguishing system and not only will traffic related deaths drop but drivers will be made more aware of how dangerous racing is. Also, speed limits, revise them, as a matter of fact, get rid of them all together. Want to keep people driving safely and happily at the same time? Give them average speeds like what they do in those classic rallies, drivers will always make an extra effort to ensure that they travel at the rate at which they should. It may not sound safer but trust me it's always better to be speeding and be aware of your speed than to be driving casually and not care about speed unless you see a traffic cop. And what about roads not fit for normal driving speeds? Fuck repaving them and turn them into a dirt stage, I'm sure the money saved would be enough to do more important stuff like sorting out education and paying nurses. With less paved roads means less water run off, more trees and more happy polar bears. As for the roads we don't use, pedestrianize it. Tourists love that shit, just look at times square. Look at how packed Monaco gets when they have F1 there and those rich niggas be paying millions to get front row seats on the harbour. Suppose we could establish a Panama Canal style lock system into our gully systems and have boat races through the city. Gymkhana competitions in parking lots, soft roading competitions on golf courses, Blue Mountain hill climbs etc. The possibilities are endless and I'm sure it will be cheaper and more exciting than Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi. With this I end my rant and campaign for minister of transportation under LA Lewis' government. Good night Jamaica
So anyways the trauma of being stuck behind a 10km/h RunX gave me the wonderful idea of just throwing away all road systems and starting a new. But first, just so I don't sound like a douche, we really need to upgrade the public transportation system. The better the public transport [whether trains, buses or boats I don't care just do it] the less cars on the road. What is more economic than a hybrid? Public transportation that's what. So all ya'll hippies with ya'll Priussies, go to the back of the bus. A world with less hybrids means that the government can stop wasting money on subsidizing them and pedestrians are less likely to get hit by ghost machines that just 'snuck up on me.' So we got greenpeace off our roads who next? The Douchebags. The thing is, not much needs to be done to get rid of them. After awhile they will realize that all the hot girls are being eco friendly (all eco mentalist women are hot btw) and not taking public transport looks as douchey as wearing a shirt that makes reference to ones penis size. Of course if there are douchebags that are too douchey to be phased by this, evolution will take of you guys as your suv's roll down a hill while you pray to your based gods.
With this new found emptiness, imagine the road being littered with the sounds of blow-off valves, waste gates and a high pitched wailing ferrari reverberating off the city walls instead of horns (real race cars don't use horns) and shouting. At last, people who love to drive own the roads. Traffic lights would be changed to stage trees and just watch as traffic launches off the line as soon as the light goes green. Anyone caught with slow reaction times must get a ticket. And as for all seeing eyes maintaining these rules, hire track marshalls to maintain the streets [they're all volunteers looking for a real job anyways] and stewards to decide insurance issues [because drive thru penalties are cheaper than insurance premiums, but just as effective in terms of lessons learnt] Roads would be cleared in a matter of minutes after accidents and justice would follow almost immediately after. Putting a pace car in front should ensure traffic moves smoothly instead of grinding to a halt around accident sites. So what about pedestrians? Let them all be rally fans. Imagine scores of drunk British people cheering you on as you commute to work, with that kind of joy suicide rates would drop. Rally fans are also the most helpful fans, they will always notify you when an accident is up ahead and will help you roll back over your car when you do crash. Speaking of crashes, I'm sure making everyone a racing driver wouldn't be safe? Fuck that, give everyone a fucking rollcage, a 6 point harness and a fire extinguishing system and not only will traffic related deaths drop but drivers will be made more aware of how dangerous racing is. Also, speed limits, revise them, as a matter of fact, get rid of them all together. Want to keep people driving safely and happily at the same time? Give them average speeds like what they do in those classic rallies, drivers will always make an extra effort to ensure that they travel at the rate at which they should. It may not sound safer but trust me it's always better to be speeding and be aware of your speed than to be driving casually and not care about speed unless you see a traffic cop. And what about roads not fit for normal driving speeds? Fuck repaving them and turn them into a dirt stage, I'm sure the money saved would be enough to do more important stuff like sorting out education and paying nurses. With less paved roads means less water run off, more trees and more happy polar bears. As for the roads we don't use, pedestrianize it. Tourists love that shit, just look at times square. Look at how packed Monaco gets when they have F1 there and those rich niggas be paying millions to get front row seats on the harbour. Suppose we could establish a Panama Canal style lock system into our gully systems and have boat races through the city. Gymkhana competitions in parking lots, soft roading competitions on golf courses, Blue Mountain hill climbs etc. The possibilities are endless and I'm sure it will be cheaper and more exciting than Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi. With this I end my rant and campaign for minister of transportation under LA Lewis' government. Good night Jamaica
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