Top 10 Cars for Jamaican Douchebags

Have you ever sat in traffic and see someone running HID lights at midday? How about the one who drives like he is Zeus himself while all other vehicles are mere mortals? Loud obnoxious music playing? Checking out 15 year olds at high school bar-be-ques? Bragging about why their car is special when it's just meh?

If you have seen someone matching these descriptions, chances are you have met a douchebag. Of course the reason I am writing this is because a doucebag pissed me off today and I am now convinced that they are the biggest cocks in the world.

So here is a list of what douchebags drive and why you should not assosciate yourself with one.

10) n00b evo/impreza owners

These are the dudes who buy evos/imprezas not because of the performance or it fits their needs, nope they just following the hype. Of course it becomes easier to spot them the newer the model is and the fact that modifications are made first to the body and then the engine. They pretty much brag about cutting everything under the sun yet never appear at a vernam/jamwest meet.

Telltale signs: always in oakley sunglasses and seated way back in their bucket seats as if they are constantly feeling boost whiplash

9)Altezza owners

At first Altezza's were cool because they were compact little RWD sedans that had high potential engines, but then the douchebags saw them for their style. To this day, the words Altezza lights leaves a bad taste in tuner's mouths as douchebags quickly wanted that style copied on to their civics. Now that these douchebags can actually afford Altezza's now, they are taking it to their girlfriend's high school prom with their HID lights spoiling the image for the non-douchebag Altezza owners out there. To make it even worse, it's now in high demand and douchebags are senselessly buying them for ridiculous prices essentially cock blocking the enthusiasts out of the market.

Telltale signs: "It's a Lexus not a Toyota dude."

8) Cadillac Escalade/Chevrolet Avalanche

Essentially the same car just one has more leather than the other. The Escalade became the douche car when I was growing up and to this day still has some douche value to it. Of course these douche's have progressed on to other cars but the image is forever damaged thanks to numerous rap songs of the time associating them with 20" rims that weren't quite stationary [it was so bad in fact that Cadillac actually started making them with 20" chrome rims from factory] But alas, even douchebags think spinning rims look douchey and as a result has moved on to spread the disease far and wide making it harder to spot douches easily.

Telltale signs: usually blazing a hip hop tune behind heavily tinted windows

7) Daddy's car

Nothing says douche more than driving your father's car and posing on it like you jus bought it upfront with cash. To me, driving my father's car means hiding it so that no random nigga scrapes it and I die, while the random douche hides the car, but lets it be seen by all. Almost always a Prado, Pajero, BMW, Audi or a Benz [or if u live in the states a Porsche is fine too]

Telltale signs: Always checking out the window/blasting stock radio to ensure he is seen before quickly accelerating into the distance.

6) Chrysler 300, Dodge Charger, Dodge Magnum

I loved these cars not only for their styling but also for their V8s and RWD ness, but of course one douchebag had to mess it up for the rest of us. Despite there being only a few of each of these in the island, they have all been douchified, complete with rims and ghey trims. Now I can't help but feeling like a douche for owning a 1:24 scale model of them -_-

Telltale signs: fake DUB badges

5) Civic Coupe/Accord Coupe/Scion tC/Inifinity G35

Do you know what these 3 all have in common, apart from mostly being LHD? They all are sporty looking cars with little or no sport actually attached to it. These douches always roll in packs and always on the prowl for 18 year olds instead of the traditional 16 year olds [cause they fancy like that] Although the G35 is the sportiest, you can almost guarantee that they drive the slowest.

Telltale signs: They are always black and LHD and have their windows wound down fully to see their pretty boy haircut.

4) Toyota Tundra

Nothing says "hey look at my small penis behind this big 5.7L V8 badge" more than a Tundra. To me gasoline V8s in pickups are a waste [unless u live in the US and you have no choice] so obviously persons who buy this want a big car just for owning something for big's sake. I swear the Tundra has no purpose other than being big, and the few utility it has left in it is used for carrying more douches.

Telltale signs: slight exhaust work to evoke the V8 sound some more

3) Honda Ridgline

Like the Tundra but crappier and cheaper hence more douches can buy it. Even when you look at it from an engineering point of view, the structure of it does not say pick-up. It's boxy shape is bound to attract douches like all boxy cars do [think Hummer, 300C etc]. Its rare that you see these dirty, mainly because douches want you to know the car is black but also because it does not leave the city.

Telltale signs: They're all black with even blacker tint.

2) BMW X6

The X6 is a waste of a vehicle that costs more to be less practical. It holds 4 but a 335i holds more and is faster/cheaper. It's own brother, the x5 is better than it in EVERY WAY. So why would one buy an X6? Because it's a perfect mixture of all things douche: HID headlights, sports car shape, SUV bigness, space for massive rims and wild 14 year olds, throw in an extra dash of nonsense and you have the perfect douche mobile. But alas not everyone can afford an X6 so what do normal douche's do?

1) Public passenger vehicles

Coasters, taxis and Hiaces just look at my initial list and see how these fassies have perfectly matched it. No care for road users, no care for passengers and no care for police. There is nothing more douche than a coaste blaring loud music, blowing you to move, overtaking you then stopping in the middle of the road to pick up a passenger. Although then again thats just being a fassy and in my rage I may have mixed up the two, o well. SCREW THEM ALL!

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